I was sitting at the parade grounds in KNUST with my earpiece in my ears. Adele’s Set Fire to The Rain was on replay. I could hear the song but I was not listening. The only thing that was real at that point was the wind that showed me love and hugged me tightly that cool Friday afternoon. I was lost in thought. My heart was aching and every sound it made brought my deepest fears closer. I tried shielding myself from the thought which consumed me.
I was lonely.
Have you ever wondered why it is so easy to hate someone or something you once loved?
Since my childhood, I have wondered why someone would profess to be an atheist. I found that most atheists were once devout Christians. They observed the precepts of God and made it a point to make the big man in the sky happy all the days of their lives. So why then does someone like this go so horribly wrong on the way?
Well, the atheist and I have a thing in common. We have both given up on something we once treasured.
It started four years ago. I met this fine lady in the library on the day of my course registration in the first year. She had it all. Her beauty made me motionless for a brief period. I tried opening my mouth to ask her name but my muscles would not give away. Also, try as I did, my eyes would not stop feasting on the perfect handiwork of God. They just stayed there, soaking in all there were to her beauty.
And as if she felt the sting of my eyes draining away her beauty, she looked in my direction and she did the most wonderful thing. She smiled.
But at who? I looked behind me to check the person she had smiled at and found all those behind and beside me locked in whatever that they were doing. I turned my head to see her still smiling and this time I had no doubts it was me. I smiled back.
She said hi. I also said hi and waited. Wasn’t I supposed to do something or say something? Stupidly, I did not know. My eyes finally gave way and I turned it away and focused on the book I was reading.
One of the attendants mentioned her name and she went to start her registration process to be ushered into the university community. I was next and luck shone its light on me. Sitting close to her felt like heaven. Another hi to each other and we hit it off as if we had known each other since the beginning of time.
The days after saw a strong bond grow between us. I began to love her in a way I had never loved anyone. She felt same. Or so I thought. Anytime we spoke, time froze. We were invincible at that moment and I loved every second of it. I was happy and I guessed she was too. Life with her was the best, to say the least.
But as the days went on, I realized something had happened to our love. I asked her out on a countless date but she found a reason to turn it down each time. I was getting scared. Was what we shared fading away like all the other things in this world? I no longer felt the chemistry. I tried to work it out but it didn’t work. I prayed about it. Why? Because I saw in her someone I could walk down the aisle with one day. But nothing worked.
Then we went home for the first-semester break and that was it. I yearned for the springs of her voice to drown me in her love forever but she never called. When I did, she did not answer. It was the most painful thing ever. I tried forgetting she existed. But the more I tried, the lengthier the distance between us got. I was hopeless.
At the turn of the new semester, I had hopes that things would work out, especially given that I would see her more often. Sadly, it was too late. We were just some transient event that took place. She had new friends. And I was just relegated to the background.
I would not say I was broken-hearted because I never mustered the courage to ask her out. However, I was as pained as a dumped boyfriend. This is how I gave up on life. This is how I have walked four years on this campus without any form of love interest. But, now it getting to me – the loneliness.