This is my last installment of writing centered around my good friend, Patrick Fynn. In the past four weeks, I have described him mostly as a dumb person and the subject of several jokes. The end of a thing is very important and cannot be taken as a joke. Therefore, this last post is not about a dumb medical doctor who is religious to a fault, one who is addicted to lottery he does not have the sense to stake, one who attempts to fool a diagnostic computer or one who gets a good beating from his fiancée to the point of being deaf.
Today, I tell you the truth about Patrick Fynn. First, I must apologize to my friend because I am not sure he saw this coming.
Patrick, the past four weeks were but a build up to this day. I had no interest in making quips at you. You know I am not a humor writer, Leslie is. I had to force myself to be funny so that I can court enough attention to drop this bombshell on you.
Understand that I have nothing against you and I will gain nothing from revealing the secrets I am about to let out. It’s just that as your friend, I do not think it is fair to be telling people lies. I am sorry I have to do this. Are you able to sleep at night when you make posts on social media suggesting that you are an excellent medical doctor? Well, I have not slept in a while. You and I know you suck at your job and you don’t really like it. The charade ends here and now. The whole world will know you for who you truly are.
The following revelations are 10 isolated situations I have carefully selected to prove to you that Patrick Fynn is a fraud parading himself as a medical doctor. If you are thinking of patronizing his service, please get a change of mind after reading this article and go elsewhere.
1. The Patient Who Was On Time
A man went to this apology of a doctor named Patrick Fynn to go over his blood test results. As soon as the man entered Patrick’s office, latter said to him, “I just looked at your results. You are lucky that you come to see me early enough”
The man became very nervous. His knee knocked each other as he was visibly shaking. There was a silence for a moment. The man finally broke the silence and asked, “What’s wrong with my blood test results, Doc?”
“Oh, nothing! Patrick replied. “Just that I’ll be leaving my office early today. You would have missed me if you had come thirty minutes later. Thank you for coming early”
2. The Wrong Diagnosis
One patient complained to our doctor friend about the diagnosis he gave her.
“I’ve been to three other physicians, and none of them agreed with your diagnosis,” she said.
Patrick was not moved by what she said. He looked intently into his patient’s face and sighed. Then, he stood up and went to her side of the table. He placed one hand on her shoulder and said calmly,
“Three doctors, uh? Is that so? Let’s wait until the autopsy. Then we will see which of the four of us was right.”
3. The Obese Patient
When she entered his office, Patrick was alarmed. Additionally, he was amused by her size but he held himself from cracking up. After exchanging pleasantries and understanding her situation, Patrick proffered some activities she could do to help her lose some weight. “Finally my dear sister, please do not give excuses. You can do it. Be determined…”
The young lady interrupted our dear friend rudely. “Doctor,” she started. “It’s not that I am giving excuses ooo. The problem is that obesity runs in our family. You see….”
“No, that’s not the problem”, Patrick cuts her too. ‘The problem is no one runs in your family.
4. Patrick, The Intern Doctor
On Patrick’s first day as an intern doctor in a local clinic, his boss, the resident doctor was outraged because he had no patients to examine. The boss went to his assistant, Patrick, to ask what happened.
“Why haven’t there been any patients in the clinic today? Do you have bad luck following you everywhere? Are people not sick in this community today? Patrick, tell me, tell me what you have done to the patients.
“Oh, Doc”, Patrick replied, “No need to be alarmed. Actually, thirty people came here today. When I asked each of them whether they were feeling okay, they said ‘no’. So, I told them to go home and get plenty of rest!
5. Doctor Versus Businessman
A well-known rich businessman’s wife broke her hip. The businessman went to our very good doctor friend to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and Patrick sent the businessman a fee for his services of $5000.
The businessman was outraged at the cost and sent Dr. Fynn a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.
Patrick sent back a list with two things:
- One screw ($ 1)
- Knowing how to put it in ($4999)
The businessman never argued.
6. A Doctor Who Doesn’t Trust Doctors
During an illness, Patrick was scheduled for an operation. Interestingly, Patrick bolted out of the theater after five minutes of being there. His fiancée, Fafa, who was waiting for him in the lobby was surprised to see him outside.
“Why did you run away from the operation table?” She asked him
“The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”
Fafa was confused. “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?” She further interrogated.
“She was talking to the surgeon!” Patrick screamed
7. And He Gives The Best Medical Advice Ever!
A guy went to see our doctor.
“Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places.” He complained to our friend.
“Well, don’t go to those places!” Patrick replied
8. “Get Yourself Together”
She came to his office crying, “I feel like a pair of curtains!” she said.
Patrick replies, “Well pull yourself together, woman!”
9. Bright Child
A worried mother whose son ate a light bulb went to our good friend for help. When they got to the office, the woman was beside herself. Tears choked her and she could not say a word. The boy neither.
“Madam, what is the problem”, Patrick asked. “Are you sick?” The woman nodded in the negative. “Is it your son?” She nodded yes.
“Oh, madam don’t worry, he’ll be fine” Patrick encouraged. “The moment he walked in here, I knew he was a bright boy. His future is bright. I’ll take good care of him.”
“Doctor, the idiot ate a light bulb”, the woman finally said.
“What?” asked the alarmed doctor.
“Yes, doc. A whole light bulb”
“See what I said? Bright boy!” Patrick quipped.
10. The complicated case
This is the worst of all Patrick’s atrocities. I still cannot believe he did this. A dying woman went to see my friend. After examinations, they sat down to talk about her diagnosis.
“Madam, your case is quite complicated,” Patrick said with a big sigh.
“Why?” the woman asked. “Doctor? What is wrong with me?
“Well, you see, you have a disease from the chapter which I left as optional during my studies.”
There you have it, people. I am sure you are more than convinced that my fake doctor friend, Patrick Fynn will suck big time at his job.
If any of these don’t convince you, remember that Patrick says he’s been practicing medicine for three years now. You go to his hospital at your own risk. As for me, I am waiting for when he’s done practicing and gets serious. Then, I can go and see him with my phoolosophical problems.